Removing you from my life is almost to impossible. It’s not as easy like how I let you right into my life like how I did in the first place, from the beginning. Tonight, I found traces of our old conversations on G+ Hangouts. There was one where we argued about me going to Linkin Park’s concert. And I found myself smiling reading to it. It was funny, we were immature. And it just reminds me of how much I just miss you. I miss you so much right now, but I can’t seem to have the strength to lift up my hand to pick up the phone to call you up. Maybe, this is part of moving on. This is me, moving on. Slowly as I progress. Moving on is hard but it’s not impossible. I can’t deny though, I miss you.
9:09 pm • 10 December 2013
It has been months since you left, and last night, I caught myself crying right before I fell asleep, drowned in the thoughts of you. I miss you. I wish things could just go back to how it was: you and I, our dreams, our promises. I wish.
7:53 pm • 19 November 2013
He came to see me yesterday, at the airport.
I was waiting for my flight back to KL and was waiting to see my friend, who works there. And he came along with her. Really didn’t expect it, and when I saw him walking towards me from far, everything came to me like waterfall. The hate, the love, the happiness, the sadness, the emptiness, the madness, the longing, the yearning, everything.
And at one point, we were sitting down and somehow I couldn’t hold the emotions in and I kinda scolded and insulted him. I feel bad now, somehow. I reacted negatively to his presence, despite me missing him like hell.
As soon as I arrived at KLIA, I called him up to apologize. I had a long thought process in the plane during the journey. I missed him and seeing him was both happiness and sadness. But I reacted negatively towards him. The call was freaking long and I was at the KLIA Arrivals.
I miss him and I love him. But I still keep this close to heart:
"love is not about possession."
All that I can do is just pray for him. That’s only all that I’m capable of doing right now and at least until my final breath.
9:29 am • 17 October 2013
So, we’re at the office right now. And we just had lunch at the pantry and we were talking about our past relationships. Well, they were, I was just listening and responding to it. Elias’ story really shocked me. His ex-girlfriend couldn’t let him go even after he got married. Crazy story.
But at least it made me realize. Matchmaking is the Lord’s provision. No matter how we try our best and hardest to make it work, some things are just not meant to work. And it’s best if we just let it go and move on.
Pengalaman mematangkan kita. - Saha
2:29 pm • 29 September 2013
Tonight’s my last night at Parcel 18R8. And I’m definitely going to miss this place. This house, the view, this bed, this floor, these walls, the comfort that it brings. The security that it provides. My memories that it stores underneath these walls. My experiences that this house have collected right when I stepped inside.
Those moments where I just stood in front of the room window, staring at airplanes descending & ascending, and the ERL train passing by. And boats passing by on the lake. Cars passing by on the bridge/highway. The sound of children playing on the playground. I’ll miss it. Everything.
But this is goodbye. Forever.
8:00 pm • 28 September 2013
You made your choice, you chose them over me, you chose to leave me. You chose her. You can’t keep coming onto me like this. Pushing me away and then pulling me in. I asked you if I should wait for you, and you told me not to. I begged for you to stay in my life but you were so casually cruel to deny me and you left.
You let me go, you said this is your final decision. You decided to forget everything that we had. That was your decision, and it was a betrayal of all the promises you made for me, for us. You betrayed me. And I realize that I need to let you go.
But why is it that every time I let go of the thoughts of you, our memories, you come back, calling me up? It’s like a freaking game and I’m just letting myself be dragged into this whole chess game mess.
You decided to let me go. It hurts, it broke me, it damaged me. But it was your call, you won’t even consider when I begged to stay. So please just let me go. Don’t push and pull like I’m some kind of a doll toy.
Please, don’t do any more damage. Please.
4:01 pm • 27 September 2013
Love is not about possession, love is about appreciation. - Osho
In all honesty, I understand deeply the first part, but the second, is something I have yet to comprehend. Maybe it means to just love someone from afar, to appreciate someone even if he’s not mine. To just be happy for his happiness even if I’m no longer the cause for his happiness. That I can do; tell you the truth, I admire you for doing so well far so much better than me. But, it feels like a betrayal, you’re happy and it’s not because of me and I’m no longer there to share your happiness. Every move you make to make yourself happy without me feels like a betrayal. And it hurts. Like, “where did the love go?”
It’s nice to know you’re doing okay. Because your happiness values a lot to me. But please, even so, please do not shove your happiness onto my face. It breaks me apart. I feel betrayed, jealous and hurt. Please, just please.
You have no idea about this void I feel inside. It comes to me like a strike of lightning, quick, brief and stuns you. It feels like something is missing from me. You. You are missing from me. And it hurts even more knowing that you will never come back. And I’m left here with this emptiness, this void. And no matter how much I recite God’s name to cure it, it somehow gets stronger, the void becomes bigger and I always find myself close to tears. The void is there, and I just don’t know how to get rid of it. It feels like your hand have been decapitated, the feeling that your hand was once there exists, but truth is it’s gone. That’s what it feels like.
I bet you felt the same, but you were so quick to fill it with someone new, someone much better than me. I’m not sure whether to be angry, sad or depressed. Maybe it’s all of those altogether. You have no idea what you’ve done to me. And yet, I still forgive you, this easily.
6:41 pm • 18 September 2013
Don’t cry because it’s over, smile because it happened. - Dr. Seuss
I never did regret everything that has happened between the two of us. I’m happy that you came into my life. But I’m not going to lie, I was heartbroken when you had to go so suddenly. We both never meant for this to happen. We both wanted and hoped for the same things, the same dreams, for the best. We were victims of circumstances.
I understand so clearly why you have to go and move on. I understand so clearly why you have made a choice to go on in life without me. I understand, but it doesn’t mean that I’m not hurting. This whole thing damaged me. Damaged me pretty good. I’m a wreck. I know I will be okay, just not now. Now’s not yet the time for me to finally be okay. We all have our own timing. Life is not a race.
Please know, just because we’re strangers again, it doesn’t mean I have stopped loving you. I have loved you then, I love you now, and I will love you always. I just wish you would stay because I have so much love to give. And I’ve chosen you, always have been, right from the beginning.
I’ve stopped crying, to be honest. But please know, just because I’ve stopped crying and have started smiling, it doesn’t mean I’m still not broken. You are all I think about, despite all the distractions during the day, I still see you before I go to sleep and I still see you in my dreams. It’s tough moving on from you, when you and your memories haunt me every day, every night. It’s a struggle.
I know I’ll be fine, or so I think I will.
Love is a beautiful thing and yet, a dangerous game. Despite it, just love with all your heart. Don’t hold it in. Love like today’s your last day. Because truth is, it is not love that’s dangerous, but the lovers are, the players.
6:20 pm • 16 September 2013
Being me is to mean that you cannot be too comfortable at one place.
You can’t stay at a place for a long period of time. Circumstances will push you to leave and find other homes. There’s no permanent home or at least a long term one. You stay at a place, you call it home but it’s just only for few months and then life would force you to leave again and find another one to call home. You get confused. You get messy. You get panicked. You get nervous. But it doesn’t erase the fact that you’re still going to be the person that everybody knew that always changes places/homes. It’s sad really, but that’s how circumstances work: they make people sad.
Those beds that you slept in, quite a number of them, but none can truly be called as your own. They’re just beds that you used to sleep in. Not yours.
Being me is to mean that your clothes are folded neatly and kept in a luggage bag. That’s your closet/cupboard/armoire; a Camel Active luggage bag.
But being me is to mean that you’re happy with what you’ve got and making the most out of it. You’re happy and grateful despite the fact that you’re the girl that moves too much. You’re happy that you have a roof on your head, walls to keep you in from the harsh weathers. You’re happy you have a place for you to properly poop, pee and bathe. You’re happy knowing that even strangers could welcome you into their homes. You’re happy that even strangers would want to share their homes with you. You’re happy that there are still good people in this world.
Being me is to mean that you will collect experiences. You collect people, their stories, their lives. You collect memories. You collect wisdom, values, morals. And all of it, to make you a wiser, kinder and a stronger person.
That’s what it is like being me.
5:24 pm • 16 September 2013